Tinder - No Intelligence Required

If I'm being honest I haven't been on Tinder as much lately but only because I keep getting guys who are only in town for the weekend or just looking for a hookup while they wait for their flight home. That just isn't me or what I'm using the app for. However when I did decide to brave it and see what the app would give me I got a slightly confusing profile. Just remember, there is no intelligence required which will help make this somehow more easy to understand.

Now let's break this all down bit by bit in order to try and make it less confusing because I may have lied about intelligence not being required. I had to use a bit of brain power in order to make sense of this all so let me help everyone out. To start off with we're going to call this guy Doug, just to make things easier. Here we go.

Doug is off to a bad start with me after reading less than 7 words. I get using a period after one word because it’s sort of a trend thing to quickly state what you are into and what you do. That’s fine. Suddenly switched and adding in commas to pretend to make a sentence is not fine. It should be “Fuku car meets, MMA, and work” my friend. Please fix it ASAP.

Either way he either likes hiking at Red Rock or enjoys the view at Red Rock. He’s super into his body as well with MMA, yoga, and the gym. I’m assuming I can add in his spiritual side with meditation. That’s fine. You do you Doug. I’m glad you have your priorities. Saying that science is greater than theism is a bit condescending though isn’t it? Maybe it’s just me but you could just say you’re an atheist instead of trying to act like you’re super smart because you put all your stock in science.

Doug admits he rarely checks the app, which is normal for a lot of people at this point. There are plenty of ghosts on there because people delete the app or just don’t use it anymore. But to then say it’s mostly spam and the few people who do talk are boring makes me wonder a bit. Do you even talk Doug? Are you boring? Or are you spam? I just don’t know.

Is Doug saying that men are not intelligent? Did he just try to generalize it for everyone? I’m tempted to start saying, “Yeah well Doug said men are not intelligent so they can’t have an intelligent conversation.” That would be the end of a discussion right then and there wouldn’t it? Why wouldn’t a guy be required to bring both intelligence and flirting to the table? Honestly Doug if I wanted to spend time with someone who wasn’t smart and wouldn’t flirt with me I’d rather spend time with Netflix or maybe even a dog. Netflix has amazing documentaries and a dog would never stop wanting my attention. That sounds much more enjoyable.

What does it mean when someone says “life is my humor, get over yourself” because I know that sometimes you have to look at things that happen in your life and laugh about it but why does that mean I have to get over myself? Should I only be focusing on laughing about others? Anyone have a clue to lead me in the right direction?

Ah yes, because you’re so fancy with your science Doug it would seem that the universe doesn’t give a fuck about me. That’s fine. I obviously care about myself and have close friends and family members who care. That’s what matters to me. I take it you don’t care much about anything Doug since science can’t love you.

How are dogs children for broken people? Please explain this Doug. Do you mean people who can’t have kids because I’m sure that is true in some instances. Or do you mean people who are physically broken? Service dogs are important and are more appealing than you’ll ever be at this point Doug. Even if you do mean emotionally broken people it’s probably because of some asshole like you Doug that people would rather spend time with a dog than someone like yourself. I don’t blame them one bit.

I am not a cat person but that doesn’t mean I think all cats are assholes nor do I think their owners are assholes. If you have a cat Doug I feel bad for it because it’s probably an asshole from having to deal with you. That makes the most sense. With your description of a dog why would you train your cat as a dog? Are you broken Doug? Wait, that’s a silly question. Of course you’re broken Doug. You have a lot of obvious issues from this dating profile alone. I wish you luck in trying to work through them and hope that science can help you in the best way possible. I'll go back to playing with a dog while watching Netflix.

What do you all think? Would you even be interested in swiping right on Doug? Is there anything appealing from his profile that make you interested or are you as turned off as I am? Let me know what you think of my analysis in the comments below. (: