Saturday, May 6, 2017

Tinder - You Own Mortality

As I'm sure we all know by now I've come across a many different kinds of dating app profiles. The funny ones, the serious ones, the creepy ones, and the ones that have potentially scarred me for the rest of my life (I'm looking at you Johnny). Either way it's rare that I have to pull out the dictionary for one to make sure I'm fully understanding what in the world they are trying to say to me, let alone one that makes me question my mortality. Let's get on to the confusion of mortality from Ryder's point of view.

Just so we all don't feel dumb: (Pontificating) express one's opinions in a way considered annoyingly pompous and dogmatic (narcissist) a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves (slowly coming to terms with his own) (mortality) the state of being subject to death

That whole first sentence was a doozy Ryder. Please don't make people hurt themselves just because you want to sound super smart. If you're annoyingly pompous and dogmatic (inclined to lay down principles as incontrovertibly true) you aren't really selling yourself to anyone, save for someone who has no clue what that sentence means and just swiped right on you because they like your profile pictures. 

I get that people call themselves narcissists because there's nothing wrong with thinking you're the greatest, but you do have to realize at some point that the world does not in fact revolve around you. You are not the best thing that's ever happened. Instead you have to comes to terms with the fact that you're great in your own way but not everyone is going to agree. It's sad but true Ryder. You should accept that before trying to come to terms with the fact that you're going to die. Instead you may need to be more worried about the fact that you are more likely to die alone at this point Ryder.

Let's (obscure) conceal or keep from being seen the (finality) the fact or impression of being an irreversible ending (of our impending doom with) (nihilistic) rejecting all religious and moral principles in the belief that life is meaningless (escapism) the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy (and) (hedonistic) engaged in the pursuit of pleasure; sensually self-indulgent (self indulgences) characterized by doing or tending to do exactly what one wants, especially when this involves pleasure or idleness.

Great, the second sentence is another huge thing to unwrap. Basically it says let's hide the fact that we can't stop from dying by forgetting religious and moral principles because life is meaningless and distract ourselves with pleasure in the form of entertainment or fantasy in order to get what we want. Ryder, you could have just said you were looking for a hook up. That would be ten times easier to read and make my life less difficult for having to read this nonsense that you basically googled to sound smarter. If you're going this far to describe it though are you hoping you'll get someone smart to hook up with? Do you honestly think that some girl is going to read this and think, "Yes, he is speaking to my soul. We need to meet up now!" because if you do then you're a bit delusional. Keep living in that fantasy you've cooked up in your escapism. 

He's woke. I'm so proud. Ryder has woken up! We must tell the world! In all honestly though someone saying that they're woke doesn't have much meaning considering there's a lot more context needed for someone to say they're woke. We're obviously talking about social issues at this point if you haven't figured it out. Either way it isn't something I think should be included on a dating profile. It's not something that can be said and taken to mean only one thing.

He honestly is looking for a buddy to contact improv with? Then why did you make me read the first two sentences of your dating profile Ryder? Why would you make me suffer? I did nothing to deserve this. Is this how improv friends are made? Through Tinder? Have I been using the wrong app all this time? I may never know at this point.

It's comforting to know that you only liked me because I'm hot but then possibly unmatched because my bio was shitty. This is coming from the guy who spelled of like a kindergartener sounding it out with "ov". I imagine Ryder just doesn't like profiles that are difficult to read. He's still in the sounding out stage of his reading, which would explain his first two sentences that he got off of Google. 

I can't imagine anyone finds this sort of profile attractive. Maybe I'm wrong though. Does anything in Ryder's bio make you interested in meeting him or possibly dating him? I mean, the guy couldn't even spell of correctly. I can't really forgive the use of "ur" though either because this isn't chat speak and he suddenly switched to it. Was I being too harsh or do you think I was spot on in calling him out on his nonsense? Let me know what you think in the comments below. (:

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